call of nature: strange places you have taken a dump

 

There was a time when as infants we could do a poo not minding when, where or how because there would always be mummy to clean after us and ditch the nappy.

The post nappy years saw our parents/guardians finally allowing us take responsibility of our yansh and sh*t business. They began teaching us toilet techniques and hygiene. I recall as a child how I was introduced to potty (do kids still use that)? Am I the only one who still remembers what it felt like to use WC for the first time after graduating from using potty and being told by my parents to always hold firmly to the seat with both hands? They would say; ‘’arrange your yansh well o to gauge properly!’’

I understand everyone’s childhood was different and some never had the luxury of using WC until very late on. They freely downloaded on newspapers, did it in the bush or had to do it in polybags aka shot-put – my favourite during my uni days.

untitledIt is no news that toilet culture in Nigeria is crap. I’m a bit of a germophobe, I just can’t stand public toilets except when I’m lodging in a hotel or outside the country where it looks cleaner. In fact my public toilet experiences in Nigeria is a story for another day. So for me, right from my boarding school to university days shot-put has always been a reliable alternative whenever I’m outside the comfort of home.

But this thing called sh*t…..it can embarrass sombori ehn! It is the only thing that doesn’t respect one’s race, religion, status or tittle. When it calls you’ve got to answer. If you doubt me and think you’re strong , pray you never get pressed on a 7 hours bus trip or suddenly develop a runny bowel during an exam/interview or even when in traffic. I find pee easier to manage but its brother poo, very mean and brutal!

Just last month, as old as I am I defecated on my pant when I couldn’t hold on anymore. That came after I was forced to ditch my Sunday service hoping to make it back home (early enough) before releasing. What exacerbated the situation was that there was no lavatory nearby so I had to trek for another 10 minutes in that messy state before I made it back home. I was mortified!untitled-

A while back I heard of a guy who was driving and felt the need to do a serious number 2, with no houses or toilet in sight, he spread plastic bags on the floor of his car and emptied his bowel there. He wrapped his dump so well, you could have thought it was a parcel, he put it in the trunk of his car and almost emptied a container of air freshener inside his car. Another told a story of how he pulled over inside a bush when he once had a messed up stomach and using the door of her car to cover, she freely manured the vegetation, wiped herself with handkerchief and zoomed off.

So yeah, sh*t indeed happens!

There are certain things in life that just gives absolute pleasure but what can compare to the  pleasure and relief one gets when you finally pour the damn thing out in the loo after holding on for so long? Call me weird if you like but it is the best feeling ever!

So guys, am I the only adult who has splattered poop all over my pants? Please share your awkward sh*t experiences. Ladies don’t even pretend you don’t shyte.

Note: This article was written by JosephO on March 7th on www.thenakedconvos.com

 

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